Jan. 12th, 2010

nemo2342: (Default)
There are no facts,
There is no truth;
Just data to be manipulated
Don Henley - In The Garden of Allah

I like to think that, at my core, I am an honest person. I've always been very concerned with analyzing my thoughts, feelings, and actions so I've generally found it hard to be dishonest with myself. This has however made it difficult for me to cope with some of the realities of life, as I am constantly forced to find ways to be dishonest in order to function in society.

Now it used to be that the internet was one of, if not the only, place where I could open up and be honest about myself and about my life. In fact, I originally started posting in this journal as a means of honestly, without shame or fear, recording the thoughts and feelings that I was struggling with during my first bout of depression.

However lately it feels like even online isn't safe anymore. More and more I find myself donning the masks I use to deal with coworkers when I go to post an update on Facebook or drop a quick email to someone. I guess part of it is my own fault, in that I allowed far too many people who I know in real life to add me as friends on Facebook. Coworkers, family (even my mother is on my list for fuck's sake), online and offline friends...all of them can see my status updates. I wouldn't dare post anything serious there, for fear that I would quickly be deluged by well meaning people who want to help (which would quickly annoy me if I wasn't looking for help). Worse, many of those people would be able to persue me offline, which leads to situations like my boss asking me about something I posted on facebook while I'm just trying to focus on my job.

That's part of the reason I've retreated back to Livejournal. Sure, several of the people who are on my friends list have met me in real life (and some even know how to contact me there), but for the most part I am still semi-anonymous. If I get pissed at work and post a rant, I'm not going to get talked to about it at work the next day. If I get depressed and post discussing my thoughts on suicide, I'm not going to get deluged with worried texts and phone calls. If I want to wax angsty and write something overly dramatic about my desires, I'm not going to 'upset' anyone's delicate sensibilities.

Though I don the masks and play the roles dealt to me elsewhere, here I can (albeit briefly) let the facade fall and reveal a more honest facet of myself.

In short, it's safe here.


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